imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact