Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?