Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial