[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that