Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
There’s never enough good news
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.