once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I love the honesty
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.