To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
You’ll be OK
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.