Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
You Might Also Like
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Pigeon open mic night.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.