[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.