Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Cat is stressing him out.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.