“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
You Might Also Like
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
socratic questions
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.