My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.