“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?