Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Can’t stop laughing
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*