Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?