Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
That took me a moment.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.