It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close