date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!