Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I can fix him.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that