The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything