The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
scares
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
live long and prosper!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????