Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
She puts the hot in psychotic