If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.