E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
do what now??
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.