I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Milk Cube
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.