in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*