Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy