Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))