If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”