[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”