*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
You Might Also Like
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.