7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Brands during Pride
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
pizza
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”