doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.