Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what