My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.