Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.