[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person: