[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
You Might Also Like
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The smoothest fall of all time
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that