When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
no
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries