Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
monday
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona