Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.