Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
The pen is writier than the sword.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.