Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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The government even made aliens boring
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*