just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Time heals everything 🙂
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.