Motion detecting home security camera working well!
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
this will hang in the louvre one day
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
How to properly lift a body