wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
August 8
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.