Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
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i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.