“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
The Shining is on…
…can鈥檛 decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it鈥檚 a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I鈥檓 starting to doubt she鈥檚 mine.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
馃寭馃寧馃尀 <– lunar eclipse
馃寧馃寭馃尀 <– solar eclipse
馃寧馃尀馃寳 <– apocalypse
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
That鈥檚 right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I鈥檓 done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.