Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
You Might Also Like
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
But that’s none of my business
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”