When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Webb. James Webb.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.